9 TV Characters Who Should Be on 'House Hunters'
Television would be much less dramatic if characters considered their needs and lived where they should.
Property-search shows are all about the sweet sorrow of knowing in your bones that one residence is a better fit than the rest (and hoping the house-hunter on the program you’re watching knows it, too). True story: Every show, reality TV or not, is like that. ? Needed a place with more exterior doors (and a fume hood in the kitchen, probably). Monica and Rachel's apartment on ? Should've had a Scooby-Doo hallway, since everyone snuck around with everyone else at some point. More clear matches? Since you asked...
A house with ample storage, probably in New Jersey. Despite fans' contentions that her real love affair is with New York City, she’s obviously one of those people who moves to the suburbs and immediately starts talking about how they should have done it years ago.
A tiny house. If anyone needs to be off the grid, it’s an unrepentant serial killer. Since he has roughly two outfits, space shouldn’t be a problem.
A retirement community. Though she seems terribly young, she’s an old woman trapped in a young woman’s body—and needs prepared meals and occasional use of a golf cart. Hey, she’s already got the wardrobe and habit of dwelling on her health.
A tropical timeshare. After a childhood of semi-neglect, getting killed and coming back to life only to be buried in yet another avalanche of ice zombies, he’s earned a moment alone. Somewhere in the Caribbean, probably.
A casino-hotel suite in Las Vegas. Gambling wouldn’t be a problem (a Lannister always pays his debts), and he’d have access to plenty of women, wine and song. Also, he would probably do a fine job as Britney Spears’ advisor.
A single-story ranch house. That Moon Door was a terrible idea.
(Yes, I spend a lot of time thinking about Game of Thrones. In fairness, the whole show is about real estate.)
An apartment in Reykjavik, Iceland. Like Jon Snow, she could use a break from saving the world. Unlike him, she’d last about five minutes in full sunlight. She’d be right at home in a city that’s pitch dark half the year, has approximately no murders and is the capital of a country that has fewer than 325,000 people total.
Every Character on
A group house, preferably in the middle of nowhere. Communal living would cut risqué commutes out of everyone’s schedule, and none of those people are capable of taking care of themselves, if we’re being honest.
No hunt necessary. —known to many as the quintessential bachelorette pad—was as marvelous and capable as she was. (Here’s to you, Mary Tyler Moore.)
Catch House Hunters on HGTV, weeknights at 10|9c.
1: The Dancing Queen
Never mind that she’ll be spending the afternoon exploring unfinished basements and muddy yards; the Dancing Queen is never without her dress and heels, just in case a house tour turns out to be semi-formal.
2: The Geologist
He has two words for you, and they are the only two words that matter to him: GRANITE COUNTERTOPS.
3: The Not-So-Silent Partner
Technically this person isn’t one of the purchasers—they’re an in-law, or a parent who’s helping with a loan—but everyone knows they get a vote (and first dibs on the fancy guest bedroom).
4: The Urban Farmer
After years in a teeny condo without so much as an air plant, this homeowner-to-be is ready for chickens.
5: The Vintage Charmer
Modern amenities, schmodern amenities. This buyer wants every day in their new place to feel like a trip to Colonial Williamsburg.
6: The Pool Shark
Bedrooms, bathrooms, blah blah blah. This merperson-posing-as-a-shopper only has eyes for swimming holes.
7: The Dog Whisperer
“Mister Bojangles is going to love this yard. He will go crazy about these big windows. Ooh, I don’t know how he’d feel about that fireplace, though.”
8: The Party Animals
Formal dining room, massive wet bar, acres of patio space: all compulsory. This couple has already sent out invitations to their eventual housewarming party, and they’ll be hosting every weekend from there on out.
9: The Helicopter Parents
This family needs clear sight lines in every direction, a collective open bedroom, if possible, and tiny video cameras all over the place. Ha ha, just kidding about the video cameras! (Probably.)
10: The Prodigy
According to their intro, this virtual schoolchild socked away enough money for the down payment on a home in just a handful of years. Are they a genius? A criminal mastermind? Available for stock tips?
11: The Demolitionist
No wall or fixture can inhibit a certain kind of buyer’s imagination. They dream of tearing it all down and starting from scratch, like a hero in a post-apocalyptic adventure movie.
12: The Futurist
“That bathroom tile is so dated. Ugh, popcorn ceilings are so dated. How is that stove not in a museum?!”
13: The Not-So-Secret Parents-to-Be
It’s very sweet when a couple fixates on houses’ “spare bedrooms” and steals sneaky, loving glances at one partner’s midsection as they shop. It’s not exactly a surprise when they debut a new family member in the follow-up at the end of the episode.
14: The Color Guard
Reasonable people know that a couple of cans of primer and paint can make short work of an eye-searing room. That won’t prevent this guy from announcing that a dark red living room might be a deal-breaker.
15: The Dreamer
Ten-bedroom beachfront properties with quadruple garages and pools tend to fall outside six-figure budgets, but that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t keep one’s eyes peeled for them, right? It’s important to believe in your wish list.